- [Sam] Get ready for a "Game Changer." (upbeat music)
Tonight's guests: (audience applauds and cheers)
A man who in his time plays many parts,
it's Joey Bland!
(audience applauds)
A rose by any other name would not be Ross Bryant!
(audience applauds)
Born great, achieving greatness,
and having greatness thrust upon him,
it's Blaine Swen!
(audience applauds)
- [Ross] Whoa. (laughs)
- And your host, me.
I've been here the whole time.
This is "Game Changer",
the only game show where the game changes every show.
I am your host, Sam Reich.
I am joined today by these three lovely contestants.
Now you all understand how the game works.
- [Ross and Blaine] No. - Not exactly.
- That's right.
Our contestants have no idea what game it is
they're about to play.
Although they might be tipped off by the fact that
they are the Improvised Shakespeare Company.
The only way to learn is by playing,
the only way to win is by learning,
and the only way to begin is by beginning.
So without further ado,
let's begin. (dramatic orchestral music)
Is how I start off every show.
My suit adorned,
my microphone in tow.
I channel spirits of the ancient hosts,
Bob Barker, Regis Philbin,
now but ghosts.
(dramatic orchestral music continues)
But let us travel further back in time
when theater was as yet in its prime,
the old Globe was the only channel on
and prologues such as this, Shakespeare's theme song.
This play's about a game show, one of yore.
This play's within my game show. Want some more?
Our players must create this game show play
while playing this, my game show.
Woe is they!
(contestants laugh)
Scene one: a lover, lonely as of yet,
for other lover have they not yet met.
You are a peasant, huddled in the pit,
shoulder to shoulder with your fellow shit.
The curtains rise, the actors take the stage.
We humbly present,
(bell dings)
"A Game Most Changed."
(dramatic boom)
- Nay, place not comforting balms upon me,
'tis a thing useless.
And I see an depressed chill now o'er allows my spirit
and I cannot be plucked up again.
- I hath prescription for this thy malady.
Right tell me, Antonio, I know thy sickness.
'Tis love. Nay, not love, but the absence of it.
For love, a different sickness is
and different prescriptions to be prescribed.
- Strange sickness when having it not!
It doth make thee ill.
'Tis that which I would catch and thus be made well again
and yet I have it not and being thus cured,
am still in pain.
- And yet Antonio, as a man most married,
I do know the ways of love.
- Oh!
- And now here shall present thee some path to it.
For if I can say without orating
that I myself a master of the game of dating.
(delighted laughing)
- Nay, I seek not wisdom in thy dating history.
I wish not to know thy game of dating or it's mystery.
(Sam and crew laughing)
Come, I myself, my own path now must plod
and cannot follow where others thus have trod.
I thank thee, Benvolio, for this advice
and yet, aye, my soul is crushed,
even is in a vice,
that I had seen her and lost again so soon.
I, who am at the very bottom of this wheel of fortune.
(barely kept back guffaws)
- Pardon, good sirs! I beseech you.
Can you read?
- Aye.
- Aye. I am literate.
- Here, let us buy a vowel from thee.
- I bid thee if thou art such a man of letters
and now canst do me a good service
by herein reading these invitations
and telling me to whom they must be delivered.
For my master, the Duke Orsino,
has charged me to deliver these.
Thus to a great festivity that he shall hold at his home.
- He has charged thee yet not proferred thee
with intelligence to read the addresses?
This is a breakdown in management most dire.
- So it would seem.
- I shall hold off on reading
the salutation of these such invitations
as mentioned by this dumb boy
(impish chuckle)
and instead shall only read the meat of the matter,
which is to say that Duke Orsino
holds a fête this afternoon.
Into early evening, it shall go.
Definitely a daytime show.
He speaks of a night of favor and a night of love.
And mayhap this invitation fallen into our hands of late
shall be thus an opportunity for you
to procure yourself of what illness thou hast
and to assume the illness thou most wants.
This is thy infection.
- And yet is the invitation, is it to you?
(wheezing chuckle)
- So it is.
- Then what great fortune is smiled upon me
for I have delivered this unto the right person.
He did send me blindly into any direction
and bid all to come find some love connection.
- Well met, idiot boy!
- I think not that I shall find I a lover there
with some zeal, but I shall follow Benvolio.
Let us make a deal.
- Then a deal is made.
A deal made of most.
Thou shall play the game tonight and I shall play thy host.
- I can't believe you're the one the letter was for.
(Sam cackling) - It's really amazing, isn't it?
- Yes, what a coincidence.
- There's my name right there, Benvolio and Antonio.
- Tonight I shall sleep soundly in my jammies
for my master shall present upon my head no whammies.
(boisterous laughter) - [Ross] Oh yeah.
- Yes, yes and yes!
My players, whatever you're doing, more of that.
(Ross and Blaine laughing)
The stage has thus been set with lover one.
Soon lover two's debut shall hath begun.
(low dramatic music)
But if it's points our players want,
material they must mix in the names
(bell dings)
of "Breakfast Cereals."
- [Joey] Hmm!
(dramatic sigh)
- Aye, me.
- Lady Portia, wherefore such tristful sighs
escape forth from out thy beauteous lips?
- Would it were summer,
and yet now does enter on this day, the coldest of winter.
And so it seems to me the weather makes many mistakes
to shower upon us these snowy dear Frosted Flakes.
- That is a point for Blaine.
(bell dings)
- But come, if there are Frosted Flakes about,
let a sunny disposition reign within thy heart
to banish off the cold that would beset thy spirit.
Dost not thy father throw a fête this very day?
A mid-afternoon party,
not quite a brunch or a late night jam
that thou shallst enjoy?
- How I would enjoy a lover's lunch.
Oh, how I would have a Captain me to Crunch.
- That's a point for Blaine. (laughs)
(bell dings)
- But I tell thee, my heart. - To crunch?
- Do seek not young Portia
for so rough a thing as crunching.
- Ooh, I wanna be crunched.
- Nay, in this crunching thy heart should find defeat.
Rather be gentler with thy spirit
and seek a smoother Cream of Wheat.
- That's a point for Ross. (bell dings)
- Daughter, my.
- Most noble Duke.
- Yes Nurse, well met.
Daughter I dully this fête, this eve,
is not simply just for thee to enjoy dancing,
but indeed tonight you shall find a mate.
(gasps dramatically)
Yay, and a Count I have brought to make you his wife
and you shall live with him forever for your entire Life.
- [Blaine] A Count? (bell dings)
- Can it be that the famed Count Chocula
comes this very eve? (bell dings)
- [Joey] He is here this eve.
The man a reputation has as a monster,
but trust me,
the county of Chocula is a rich and boonful place.
Glance not upon the man. He is not well to look at.
To hear him is not well either.
See the man by his fortune, judge him by his clothes.
See him not, hear him not.
Instead follow your nose.
(chuckling)
- It is well known Count Chocula is of an ill temper,
an ill demeanor, and altogether cruel and foul.
An all good part and merriment he lacks.
He shall not shower upon my face gentle Honey Smacks.
(bell dings)
- Daughter, he shall! (gasps dramatically)
- Aye, lady, listen to thy Pops.
(bell dings)
- We play not games nor Trix.
(bell dings) Do what I did,
for I tell thee tricks are for kids.
No longer a kid thou art, a woman thou shalt be.
And so now you must become more chocolatey.
(Sam snickers into a guffaw)
- You must listen to thy father, lady.
Here in our realm his power is Total.
- That's a point for Ross! (bell dings)
- I shall do what thou dost wish.
Behave in thy special way.
I shall give him gentle kiss, a special, Special K.
(Sam cackles) (bell dings)
But I tell thee, father, though me thou dost stand above,
I cannot promise that to this Count I shall give my love.
- 'Tis not necessary.
Nay, but instead thy obedience is most assured.
Now Nurse, I proffered to you earlier
a bangle of special memories to give to my daughter.
There's a moon and a star, a rainbow, a balloon.
Sometimes special edition ones come along.
(chuckling)
- Aye, this family ornament
that thou shouldst never come to harm.
- Here now I wear around my neck these-
- [All] Lucky Charms.
(guffaws)
- I mean, I guess I have no choice
but to say a point for all three.
(bell dings)
- Come, there is some joy to be found in love.
Like when thou goes unto,
to go I unto the cornucopia of amour to eat its many fruits.
Come, find joy in love, whensoever thou art married.
It shall not be but one repast thou shall think,
"Oops. All Berries!"
- Yeah, okay fine. (laughs)
(bell dings) - Kind of a stretch?
(laughs)
- I shall see thee tonight at the fête, but now I must go.
Cheerio.
- Oh wow. Yeah, absolutely. (bell dings)
- Oh wretched nurse!
Oh more wretched me that this now Count Chocula, I must see.
- Aye, you must bear his arms
and to greater bear his suit,
oh gentle monster of thy father this dire Fruit Brute.
(Sam and Joey laugh)
- Whoa! Discontinued.
- Was that a cereal?
- Yes!
- I didn't even know that one!
(bell dings)
- And if this causes butterflies to light upon thy tummy,
take it up with thy mother thy delicious Yummy Mummy.
- Oh my gosh. (laughs) (bell dings)
- These are Count Chocula's friends.
(laughs)
- He shall have no love of me.
No soprano, only treble,
for I shall never touch his Wheaties
or know his Fruity Pebbles.
- Oh! Two points. (laughs)
(bell dings) - You speak this in youth,
knowing not the pricks of age's wounds and cuts.
You spurn his Fruity Pebbles
but you shall give thee his Grape Nuts.
(Sam laughing) (somber dramatic music)
- I know not the pricks of age.
I know not such pain either.
But I tell thee though I know no pricks like this,
I shall not know his either.
(somber orchestral music)
- 'Tis well, lady.
Thou shouldst not love in obedience merely.
- What am I gonna do then?
- Thou must unto this fête go,
but mayhap at this party,
some other companion
to thee it shall show.
- So then I shall place a crown upon a lover's head.
For one night I shall not have breakfast,
but I shall have lunch instead.
- Aye.
- With lover one and lover two made known,
Shakespeare dictates a rival next be shown.
Our players will earn points for saying subtly
the names (bell dings)
of some "Fortune 500 Companies."
(nervous chuckling)
- Bleh!
(Sam and contestants laugh)
From distant land of Chocula,
across the Carpathians have I come,
here to Verona to take to myself this special fruit
to pluck from off this tree, this Apple
of Italy. (bell dings)
- Must noble Lord of Chocula,
(boisterous laughter)
finally branch shall be knitted
through the husbandry of marriage to your noble house
that heirs may be brought forth
and the noble name of Chocula can reign forever
in the Transylvanian mountains.
(boisterous laughter)
- Yes, Basil.
It is her coffers and her father's name that I want,
not the girl, this Portia.
I care not for herself, only for thus,
the purse she brings along.
- I think Portia was a point for Joey.
(bell dings)
- Was an unexpected point. I'll take it.
(boisterous laughter)
Hmm.
This purse indeed, which she can definitely, af-Ford
to give to me, (bell dings)
I shall take in victory.
Ah, victory. What's the Greek word for victory?
- Nike?
(bell dings) - Yes!
(laughter and clapping)
- From the frosty realms, I almost unto the step you come
to finally make your household great as it deserves to be
rigid, hard, no longer small and delicate.
Strong and hard, not Microsoft.
(Sam laughs) (bell dings)
- Ah, my master! Ah! (laughs)
- Oh, here comes Google.
(Sam and contestants laughter) (bell dings)
- Oh with your divining wisdom, Google,
do you see a fortuitous ending of this marriage?
Come on, Google. I feel lucky. Tell me.
- Here now that fortune may not be besmirched.
Let Google in his mind now do a Google search.
(groans and sputters)
- It's so violent.
- It hurts. It hurts every time.
- And says I hath!
- Yahoo! (bell dings)
- And says I can give thee
if only thou wilt release the curse you have on me
and one sigh at last, Google is free.
I won't have to crawl on that or Disney.
(bell dings) (Sam chuckling)
- Then we have a deal. Now speak.
Let the words of thy mouth and my ear now be United.
(bell dings)
- No more gasping expirations. Enough with this GE.
(bell dings)
- Oh, oh then here let me give one last gasp,
one last breath,
and tell you to beware
this fête shall end in death.
(gasp)
- It's pretty vague.
- Yes!
- Release me!
- I made the deal. I made the deal.
Then you are released.
Take back what form you once had.
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
- Disney is straight again.
This is straight out of Disney.
(Sam dying at 'Dis-knee' pun)
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
At last I returned to my mermaid form.
- Yes. It was a mermaid.
- I was a mermaid when I was caught at sea many years ago.
Cursed by this wretched Count Chocula.
But now, now I'm,
now I'm, I'm...
Could somebody take me to the ocean?
- Sorry, we are inland in Verona.
- Pretty landlocked.
- We couldn't get the Visa needed
(bell dings) for ocean travel.
- I shall tell you more!
I shall give you all devotion,
if only you will promise to take me to the ocean.
- Yes. A second deal, a corollary to the first.
You told me once that someone will die.
If you can make your charge specific,
I shall throw thee in the Atlantic or mayhap Pacific.
(somber music)
- Then here take me to the sea and set me on the brink
for there is love at this fête,
but not with the one you think.
- Oh!
I know who I do think I shall love and she shall love me.
I have drawn my bow, knocked arrow,
and have it aimed clearly at a Target.
(bell dings)
Is this arrow to go astray and hit a different one?
- It matters not so long as you find love, my lord.
It is worth the Chase.
(bell dings) Then go.
I shall do what is within my power
to bring this mermaid back to the Adriatic.
- Then come, gentle sir, giver of all good luck.
Let me frolic among the seahorse
and underneath the Starbuck.
(bell dings) (chuckles)
- Go forth into the oceans and rivers
where e're you chance upon,
be it Atlantic, Pacific, Nile or Amazon.
(bell dings)
- So I shall go and I shall do my job.
Me, Basil, last name Charles Schwab.
(boisterous laughter)
- Point for Ross. (bell dings)
And we will end that scene.
It seems to me time for a comic break,
the form of silly Cockneys shall it take.
And if my troupe is brave enough to try it,
they shall earn points by blending in
(bell dings) "Fad Diets."
(laughing and chuckling)
- 'Allo, blokes.
We been 'ired to play the fête at a Duke Orsino this night.
- I shall have a gig. Is it even so?
- It is so, Atkins.
(bell dings)
- You mean to tell me, Keto,
(bell dings)
that our musical stylin'
shall be heard by the Duke Orsino himself?
- Aye, indeed, he shall hear our styles
that have been known from ages of yore.
Even in the Paleo era,
(Sam laughs) (bell dings)
was our musical styling known.
- Oh well.
It has been some time since I have tuned my instrument.
For it has been some time
since we have been called upon to have a gig.
Indeed, I do not know if my tones shall be lasting
for between gig to gig, there was some Intermittent Fasting.
(Sam laughing)
- That's a point for Blaine. (bell dings)
- So let thy fast end now, Atkins.
Let us practice a bit,
give our voice to its mellifluous tones.
Not the harsher tones we have, only smoothies.
(Sam cackles)
- I really admire the effort.
- Only smoothies.
- All smoothies!
- No harsh tones.
- No harsh ones!
- [Both] Only smoothies.
- Only smoothies. - Wait!
- [Ross] What? - Watchers!
(bell dings)
- Say, it should be in privacy. Nay, nay.
- We're here.
- The caravan passes.
- I feel eyes upon me now.
The watchers are in the darkness.
- They who would judge us from the shadows, aye,
and so grimly be counting points.
(chuckling laughter)
♪ Hmm ♪
♪ We tell a tale today ♪ (gentle music)
♪ Of love from the past ♪
♪ Hoping that the love you find today shall last ♪
♪ The love you find today ♪
♪ That none shall have to beg ♪
♪ We'll share with you the tale ♪
♪ Of a lover named Jenny Craig. ♪
(bell dings)
♪ Oh, Jenny was a maiden ♪
♪ Struck out on her own ♪
♪ Aye, there to find her way abroad ♪
♪ Aye, even in The Zone ♪
(Sam gasps) (bell dings)
♪ Aye, there indeed she'd walk abroad ♪
♪ To find a lover's fate ♪
♪ Spurning all despised men ♪
♪ As she did carbohydrates ♪
(bell dings)
♪ And so she spurned all of those men ♪
♪ And gave them gentle barbs ♪
♪ She said I shall have none of you ♪
♪ For each of you are carbs ♪
♪ She sent them all away ♪
♪ And flicked them like a booger ♪
♪ And said I shall have nothing sweet ♪
♪ For I declare no sugar ♪
(bell dings)
♪ We hope from this our lesson ♪
♪ Into you is learned ♪
♪ And that the calories of love ♪
♪ Shall soon by thee be burned ♪
♪ And that from the heat they're in ♪
♪ You'll dance upon your leg ♪
♪ We've taught you now the tale of the lover ♪
♪ Jenny Craig ♪
(Sam applauds)
- My God, men!
I will cut this scene off there.
Pray tell, what's next? (dramatic music)
Our worlds, they collide.
The theme of game show is at last applied.
Our players must wrong rights or else right wrongs
while listing off the names
(bell dings)
of "'90s Songs."
(breathing deeply)
- All here, it's daytime fête, do indeed make merry.
And yet it is a burden too great for my weary soul to carry.
Aye, there is music
if the eyes and ears are tuned to hear it.
And other senses as well,
for in here t'even "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
(bell dings)
- Aye, so it is.
Take evidence from this music.
Love is not to be charmed by posy and verse.
It's not what thou sayest but the other elements,
the smells and also these sounds that thou now has heard.
Know that love is indeed "More than Words."
(muffled chuckling) (bell dings)
- I thank thee, Benvolio, for reaching out to me
and tending to my heart, "My Emotions",
most laboriously. (bell dings)
I know as a friend I'm kind of a lot.
(subdued chuckling)
- 'Tis well for I know that
no matter what slogs we do perform now
that the night shall end 'neath a steeple,
taking vows in thy happiness amidst "Shiny Happy People".
(Sam wheezing with laughter) (bell dings)
- Aye, oh me. It is the second time I have dropped my drink.
Oh, what a stumbly sin.
Aye, dear Portia.
"Oops, I Did It Again."
(bell dings)
- I shall absent myself,
for indeed I see the charms of the night take place
without Benvolio's pandering.
Look at her, look how she holds herself.
Behold as the moon eclipsed off of her,
I tell thee, get her another cup.
This is an opportunity for love, "Straight Up."
(Sam quietly cackles) (bell dings)
- Was that a song, Joey?
- Paula Abdul's, "Straight Up!"
Do not be cold-hearted!
She can be forever your girl. Opposites attract.
(laughter)
(enchanted music)
- Thy glass, lady. Upon the floor, its glinting I did see.
Indeed this glass almost did "Crash Into Me."
(gasps dramatically) (bell dings)
- Who is this gentle? My heart does not understand.
I look and see his "Body is a Wonderland."
(bell dings)
He does bear himself gently and without much fuss
and his answer to me the query, "What if God was One of Us?"
(Sam cackles) (bell dings)
- Who indeed is such a maid set here for all to see?
Such a maiden with a form and frame that is most "Juicy."
(Sam laughs) (bell dings)
Oh, can I speak?
Should I speak to hear some amorous plea?
Aye, how can I speak for her own words "Hypnotize" me.
(bell dings)
- Sweet good sir.
Ere I become a love like swarmer, tell me thy name.
I bid you, be a quick "Informer."
(Sam laughs) (bell dings)
- "Don't Speak." (bell dings)
- Point for Ross.
- My name is Antonio.
But no benison or boon could be placed upon that name
more so than it having it be spoken by thy mouth.
Therefore I take back my words.
Do speak.
Speak my name and rechristen me anew.
- I shall speak my name.
And let me not be too toward,
as now I say Portia and I take two steps forward.
- That a song?
- This is what Joey mentioned earlier.
It's a Paula Abdul song.
- Doesn't count! Doesn't count!
(laughter and clapping)
- But I shall take two steps back in thy arms
for the first time in weeks now feel alive.
And hark, musicians! They play the "Mambo Number Five."
(bell dings) (giggling laughter)
- Oh!
♪ Dench ♪
♪ Den, den, da, da, da ♪
♪ Dench, dench ♪
- Oh this day which formerly was so crappy,
now I "Don't Worry, I Am Just Happy".
- We'll give it to him. (bell dings)
- By thy eyes and arms,
by thy soul's most shining light,
if we carry on till evening,
I shall "Die in Thy Arms Tonight."
(bell dings)
- Let us find a priest this very night
and be married now at last.
We must do it in haste, good Antonio, quickly now and fast
for my heart forever for you it has grown,
for "Today" is the greatest today I've ever known.
(boisterous laughter)
- And a point. (bell dings)
- "I Want It That Way." (bell dings)
(Sam and crew laughs)
- Hail! Well met, young ones.
- Priest Backstreet! I thought you were gone.
But "Backstreet's Back."
(bell dings) - All right!
- Here when I was on the verge of "Losing My Religion."
(bell dings)
- Oh and I know who thou are too.
Portia, the daughter of the Duke.
- Aye.
And as I am the daughter of the Duke,
here I give you command.
Now bind me to this man.
Bind together our hand.
For I tell thee now upon my very life,
I would have him as my husband
if he would take me as his wife.
- I take thee. I take thee with a heart most true.
And I tell thee plainly, "And I Will Always Love You."
(bell dings)
- Hear these vows from me, aye, for the rest of thy days,
for 'tis true that God works in "Mysterious Ways."
(bell dings)
Let thy commitment to these vows be yes.
Never no nor maybe,
lest the frigidness of thy heart
turn to "Ice and Iced Babies."
(wheezed laugh) (bell dings)
- Point. That was a little on the-
- "Too Cold." Too cold. (bell dings)
- Oh!
- Marriage is between you.
Marriage, this is it.
Marriage lasting forever.
That's "2 Legit.
- [All] 2 Quit"
(bell dings)
- Points for all three. (laughs)
(somber music)
- Then you shall be my mister and I shall be your missus
and forever I shall give you "Butterfly Kisses."
(bell dings) (boisterous laughter)
- Married after knowing each other for like,
three, four minutes.
- I mean, you can't wait.
You gotta just, (claps)
you gotta do it.
- Nay, some do say that fools rush in,
then call me foolish.
I am bereft of mind.
What was Antonio was here replaced by thee.
And I love thy voice's sound
and I find myself as you find me,
"When I Come Around."
(bell dings)
- I shall make my exit this.
But list carefully thy love must be true.
Now I must go find my boy
"Jeremy!"
(bell dings) (Sam laughs)
- Now we are bound together. (relaxing music)
Soon in body, now in souls.
But if we hear my father,
know "The Thunder Rolls."
(bell dings)
- Wait your dad's not into this?
- Huh? No, let's go. We gotta go.
- Then let us go until the dawn's most early light.
Tomorrow comes to pace,
for now we have "Tonight, Tonight!" (bell dings)
- Point for Ross! (laughs)
I think we might might've had some 80s
and 70s starting there, but you know what?
I'll take it.
Another scene. I wrote this down in case the drama peaks.
Our characters give chase.
The players, should they want to earn my praises,
must integrate a few
(bell dings)
"Sitcom Catch Phrases."
(breathes deeply)
- Blah!
Where is this girl
that is supposed to be married to me thus?
Her father tells me she cannot be found.
- I promise thee good, my Lord.
As her nurse, I am leading the search for this lady.
- Quickly I must pack and in haste be away
that I might love my dear Antonio for another day.
- Come, I see a baleful and saddened disposition
for the loss of this maid.
And if thou wouldst unburden thy soul
unto a nurse who is used to being used as a sounding board
for such lamentations.
Speak, "I'm listening."
(bell dings)
(gasps dramatically) - Point for Ross.
- You will listen thus to me?
None ever does such.
Aye, my aspect too often scares them off like a curse.
But you will talk to me.
"Whatcha talkin' 'bout," Nurse?
(bell dings) (Sam cackles)
- I judge thee not for thy grim aspect,
thy sunken cheek, thy high peaked collar,
and thy extreme widow's peak.
- Aye. This is my aspect.
And yet with all power and masculinity that it carries,
I am left alone only.
The truth is that Count Chocula is,
"wait for it." (bell dings)
Lonely.
- Oh I forgot to pack a lunch.
Now hunger now my tease, I've got to pack a lunch quickly.
"Anybody got some cheese?"
(Sam laughs) (bell dings)
- That'll be a point for Blaine,
whose points of reference are clearly the same as mine.
- I am a lonely creature, Nurse,
for I have no confidence in myself
and do not think I am capable to be loved.
- Most noble Count, if thou art capable of loving
then thou art capable of receiving.
Thou has shown thyself to be tender of disposition,
for in thy loneliness
that thou shows thyself to be sensitive.
There is a handsomeness
to the crags and plains of thy visage.
- Cheese now fetched, I must return onto my boy.
Oh now I am so happy, I shall do the "dance of joy!"
(bell dings) - That's a point.
- But wherefore does thou enter into this marriage
ist for love on this most amorous hour?
Or is this merely to unite two families
and so you can have "more power?"
- And a point for Ross. (bell dings)
(relaxing music)
- My eyes eclipsed are by those of another
to something I did not know.
But looking at you, ah, the mermaid's cause 'tis obvious.
"Doh!"
(bell dings)
(chuckles) - Sure.
- If you truly do spy in me
the direction thou wouldst go,
if I be worthy of a Count's good love,
what can I say but "whoa?"
(bell dings)
(laughter)
- Let not my lips be here too hasty.
But...
(lips kiss)
(gasps dramatically)
"Did I do that?"
(bell dings)
(Sam and Blaine laughing and clapping)
Oh what happiness now comes into me.
Ah, my back's straighter, cracks itself.
Oh no more marriage to be done to the Duke Orsino's daughter
for I have found true happiness this night.
I am happy for the first time.
"Bazinga!" "Dyn-o-mite!"
(bell dings)
(Sam laughs)
- Well, if happiness can guide two wayward souls
to thus be together,
then we should perhaps find some way
to make our matrimony last forever.
There's a priest named Backstreet.
(Blaine and Sam laughing)
- Is that so?
He's nearby?
- An itinerant padre who doth wander about our town.
- I am not a fan of Backstreet so much,
but it seems the two of us are in sync.
Let us go there to his monastery,
find mayhap he shall marry us both.
Though when I see the Duke Orsino,
this is very true.
Count Chocula's gonna "have a lot of 'splain' to do."
(bell dings) - Point for Joey. (laughs)
- Is it true what we have heard, my love?
Overheard through these walls
that love unto Count Chocula to another calls?
- So it seems.
If 'tis so, then thy betrothed aims no longer at thy stead
and finds some other beguiling person
to catch his eye instead.
- Who then indeed?
Love betwixt us forever can be brewing,
for I have loved you ever since you saw me
and said, "How you doin'?"
- And (bell dings)
a point for Blaine. (laughs)
- Let us go unto my father and see what he does say.
No doubt he shall approve and give a fatherly-
- [Both] "Ayy!" (bell dings)
- And a point for both Ross and Blaine.
It's closing in.
The ending of our play
is tragedy or comedy today?
But playing still my game show the same goes,
a point for every name
(bell ding)
of a "Game Show."
(soft dramatic music)
- Ah!
Absented a while thou has been, girl.
- Father, here now I have confession to make unto thee.
There is a reason that my visage thou did not see.
For I shall tell thee
in this late morning party air,
I did find a lover with whom my life I would share.
- Already this day once have I told thee
thou shalt marry according to my order,
and this singly was enough.
But now twice this day you have abandoned my order!
Twice this day you've troubled!
Girl, thou art in danger and now thy "Jeopardy" is doubled.
(bell dings)
- My father! I tell thee thou art not being fair!
Thou carest only about money
and asks, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"
(bell dings) - I do. I do! I wanna be it!
- His money shall not last.
The love we seek is here, yearned for and unasked for,
and thus it did appear.
Let us love what is and not think on what we did.
Build not thy edifice of money,
this "$25,000 Pyramid."
(Sam cackles) (bell dings)
- I shall heed thee no longer!
And thy words, I give no care.
If thou wouldst bid me do what thou wants,
fight me I "Double Dare."
(bell dings)
- I shall not fight mine own daughter.
- Then thy daughter shall fight you!
- [Joey] Huh? Is it so, girl? - Yes. Oh yes.
- You shall stab thine own father?
Such threats you should make.
I was here ready to give mercy to this man
who hath bewitched thee.
A choice I make for thee.
Banishment or death.
Exit thyself from out of Verona.
Thou shalt be alive. You shall be real.
That is the question then.
Death or exile? "Deal or No Deal?"
(bell dings) - One point.
- Thou shouldst then come to some accord.
But this would be a flaw.
Where is victory in this "Win, Lose or Draw?"
(bell dings) (Sam chuckles)
- Come now, Father, thou hast made a mistake.
Let me take my sword and ask of you, "Is It Cake?"
(bell dings) (Sam laughs)
- If this is not in your instrument sweet, your grace,
nay, we have been married this day by Padre Backstreet,
a lurking and hidden priest,
a "Legend of the Hidden Temple."
(bell dings)
(laughter and clapping)
And we now in secret marriage
have made this compact before the eyes of God.
Our love is true.
- And so is ours! So is ours.
I shall give thee what coins thou wish
as long as you hurt the not the girl.
For I this day have found love, but not with her.
I know I have done something that could be seemed rude.
I have betrayed you
and also been the cause of this "Family Feud."
(Sam chuckles) (bell dings)
- That's a point for Joey.
- Aye.
In speaking not but sooth,
this is what it feels like thus "To Tell the Truth."
(bell dings) - Aye!
I know not what to say.
(somber music)
And yet everyone else seems fine.
You have naught but words to speak.
And to thy father, "What's My Line?"
(bell dings)
I have been betrayed by a nurse,
by a potential son,
by this guy I've never even seen before.
What's your name?
- My name's Antonio.
- Great. Antonio. (Sam laughs and claps)
- But worst of all, worst of all is my daughter.
And yet these tears,
these tears like some secret key ope' my heart.
Aye, they are a shibboleth unheard.
These tears now find the way inside
like some magic "Password." (bell dings)
- There is a song in love, though it sometimes cause pain.
It draws us forth from out ourselves
when we hear it's blessed strain.
- What is it?
- If only if thou couldst hear it too
and sing it if you hear it.
I beg thee, Duke, know the song of love
and "Don't Forget the Lyrics."
(bell dings) - Point for Ross.
- Aye, nay, this song is not taught by myself.
It comes on me too soon.
I know not the song you speak of.
"Name That Tune."
(Sam chortles) (bell dings)
- Point.
- And too name this tune as well,
for I would have my wish.
I who went to the ocean but doubled back,
I want to be married to this half woman, half fish.
(laughter and clapping)
- Basil Charles Schwab!
- It is I, Basil Charles Schwab!
Google and I seek a- Oh!
Do seek marriage here.
I too have found love, most illicit perhaps in some eyes,
but most true.
- Bless our union, heavenly as it is,
feasting on divine fruits and guava.
Cast us not into hell where "The Floor is Lava."
(Sam laughs) (bell dings)
- [Sam] Point! - So it is.
And there I have been burning myself.
Let me banish now all expectations of this day.
Send out these commands from out this place.
Love is not to be ordered.
Nay, love is to be found in "The Chase."
(bell dings)
Here let me as thy father, who is truly
the Father.
(gasps dramatically)
Yep, it was me, Father Backstreet the whole time.
Don't ask too many questions.
- Wait. What?
- Not too many questions.
- So what's going on with your dad?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think maybe Father Backstreet is really gone
and he's not really back.
But it was my father in disguise the whole time.
- Sure! Sure. Yes. That seems about right. Yes.
(Sam chortles)
Let us now triple the boons of this day.
You already married by me earlier.
- Yeah.
- You married just a second ago, probably thereabouts.
And these, these unexpected lovers
who not even of the same species
shall find their way here to love.
Three indeed.
- I have been too long gone from the ocean.
- No, no. Oh no. (laughs)
- My love.
- I spoke with prophesying breath.
(somber music)
I told you the truth when I did say
this day would end in death.
(gasps dramatically)
Farewell, my love.
Know that from death thy name I shall shout.
But for now at last Google just does "Wipe Out."
(bell dings)
- I did think there were three marriages to be had this day,
that all would be happy.
And yet it is not so.
Turns out thus Cupid's arrows come.
"Tic,
"Tac,
"Dough."
(bell dings)
- Let me put away this sword.
Let death no longer be our fate.
You shall not be victim of today's "ElimiDate."
(bell dings)
- Set aside these burdensome dollars
and still more burdensome blame.
Set aside all these conditions and thy crafty
"Game of Games."
(bell dings)
- 'Twould seem that the lesson we have learned
here is a cost that leaves its mark.
We have here made bargains
and have here found out this night
that with love, even death sometimes comes.
For in love-
- [All] "The Price is Right."
(bell dings)
- Points across the board.
- Let us gently relieve our stresses
by listening to the gentles you did hire this day
to sing our fears and tears away.
- Aye.
Bring forth these English minstrels
and we'll hear their amorous call.
And while they sing, we'll sit over here,
over by "The Wall."
(bell dings)
- Oh, very good.
(Joey clears throat)
♪ Mmm, mmm ♪
♪ Oh diet not in loving ♪
♪ Oh for by dieting you kill ♪
♪ When it comes to eating loving ♪
♪ You should always eat your fill ♪
♪ Eat your fill in evening ♪
♪ And in morning too ♪
♪ Cereals are like morning ♪
♪ For morning has happened to you ♪
♪ And let the morning rise ♪
♪ May you have five centuries of sons ♪
♪ And if you have that much love ♪
♪ You'll have 500 fortunes ♪
♪ And so it is you open up ♪
♪ Your ears when you do hear it ♪
♪ The song of love in all its many ♪
♪ 90s lyrics ♪
(Sam gasps)
♪ Love can be a challenge ♪
♪ Love can seem how rude ♪
(wheezing laughter)
♪ And sometimes though, when you know it ♪
♪ You know "you've got it, dude" ♪
(more wheezing laughter)
♪ And now unto O dear-o love ♪
♪ We bid you be no stranger ♪
♪ Though love is ever moving ♪
♪ For love is a ♪
♪ Game Changer ♪
- My God!
(Joey laughs)
The curtain drops! (upbeat music)
The peasants are aghast.
The Queen herself stands up and offers claps.
But one of you showed me a special will.
Ross Bryant, I offer you this prize.
- Oh wow.
- A quill.
- Dang!
- That does it for us here at "Game Most Changed."
I am Sam Reich, your humble head of stage,
reminding you that Shakespeare knows no time.
(victorious music)
His influence will be here the whole time.
Goodnight. (audience applauds and cheers)
(victorious music continues)